Guro and boyf

Here's a fun fact: i fucking love gore.
not like hardcore gore. like. guro. art of blood and lacerations and guts spilling and all of that lovely jazz. I adore the concept of nosebleeds, cutting oneself open to reveal pink goop or golden ichor, or having pastel-tinted intestines splatter over the floor.
I love gore so much.
This is because I hate myself and i have unhealthy ways of coping.
a couple years back i started doing less than favorable things to my body. Whenever i did something wrong (ie: too loud, got a problem wrong, made a friend upset), i would get whatever sharp object was near me and drag it over my shoulders/thighs. This started out slow: twisted paper clips, thumbtacks, pencils. However, as the years went by, it got gradually worse. i would steal pencil sharpeners and take out the blades to use on my thighs.
after a while, the self-hatred that came from drawing my own blood turned to fascination. i remember a night a while ago when i had done something that i considered problematic, god only knows what it was. i had lain 4 gashes over my thighs: two per leg. I watched as blood beaded over the cuts, gradually filling them up to be lovely little ravines.
I remember wiping my hands on the wounds, and then staring at my fingers. Sticky and blood-soaked, contrasting the pale white of my skin. Ichor.
Some nights i did it out of boredom. because it was nice to look at. and i was proud of my scars, my gashes. They were beautiful to me, because I had spent too long thinking of myself as ugly. These were my atonements. my corrections.
they were my saviors.
after a few months, a thousand personal chats with friends, loss of trust from family, and what seems like a million therapist meetings later, i've been clean for quite some time.
but its never that easy, is it?
I still need my fix. i still need to see what im missing.
I run a guro blog. that's my fix. thats how i stop myself from mutilating everything on me: i draw it and look at pictures of it happening on tumblr.
Pathetic, right?
my boyfriend's not a fan of guro. he hates it. if something has a mention of "guro" or "gore" in it he gets pissed as hell at me.
i dont say anything. i try to atone for it.
i could never bring myself to explain why i love guro in the first place though.